When a Friend has Cancer

I know it can be really hard to know what to do or say when a loved one is diagnosed. Here are some thoughts:

1. Don't worry about saying the perfect thing. You can even start the conversation with "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I'd like to be supportive as you go through this."

2. Talk at your own comfort level. Some of my friends wanted to know details of my diagnosis and prognosis. If you are that kind of person, I'd suggest saying "If you feel comfortable talking about it, will you let me know..." But other friends just wanted to talk about regular stuff; the weather, a movie, gossip. That was totally fine too. If that's you "I know you have a lot on your mind, but let's get together and just talk about..."

3. Don't disappear. I know it can be awkward to be with a friend when you are so worried about their health and even survival. But the best thing you can do is get over your own fear and be present for your friend. If you hate hospitals and medical stuff, you can be present by texting a little message to say "I love you and I'm thinking about you."

4. Follow your friend's lead. If she wants to talk about losing her hair or how much she hates chemo, listen. But if she just wants to veg out together and watch American Idol, don't force her to talk about the serious stuff.

5.  Help the caregivers. A coupon for a massage, an offer to babysit, an invitation to a movie -- thoughtful gestures can help a tired and stressed out caregiver.

6. Do something small. Don't feel that you have to make a grand gesture. Drop off a book you like, lend your friend a funny video, send a link to an article your friend might like.

7. Don't judge.  And if you can't help but judge, keep your opinions to yourself.  You may disagree with your friend's choice of treatment, or think their lifestyle choices might contribute to their cancer. Bite your tongue.

8. Don't burden your friend with your own grief or worry. Your friend's cancer may remind you of someone you loved who died of cancer. You may have to wrestle with your own feelings about your friend's illness. Wrestle the feelings on your own time -- don't expect your friend with cancer to caretake you!

9. Ask if you can help by offering specific actions.

Can I bring dinner over next Thursday?
Can I take the kids to a movie on Saturday so you can rest?
Do you need a ride to chemo next week?
Would you like me to take care of your lawn until you're feeling better?
Can I start a Lots Helping Hands page for you? (See www.lotsahelpinghands.com, a great resource to organize support for someone with cancer.)

A general offer of help is nice, but many people with cancer don't want to accept help or can't think straight about what help they need. Offering a specific can be a great strategy.

10. Don't assume the worst. Many forms of cancer are curable. Others are long term chronic illnesses. It's quite likely that your friend will join the millions of people who are cancer survivors -- and even thrivers!

Everyone is different. If you are a survivor or know one, please share your thoughts.